Let’s see. Since I’ve started blogging again, I’ve covered the loss of my sister (pretty extensively), my departure from organized religion (at least in part), and the fact that I have “special needs” kids (I hate that phrase, but whatever). So, here we are in January, and I find myself at a complete loss of what to say.
Tbh, I find that kind of tragic.
For far too long, I’ve been defined by my relation to other people. In my previous blog, I had a role to fall back on – encourager (full disclosure, I did this from a religious perspective). It’s not that I’m not that person anymore. I may leave the bible on the shelf now, but I’m still the loudest cheerleader most of my friends have. I show up early, sit in the front row, and hold the sign high above my head letting the whole world know that my person is the best person because they’re awesome. If you don’t think you can do it, I sit you down for a six hour Power Point presentation dictating exactly why you can and where we’ll go to celebrate when you do.
Don’t get me wrong. I love the fact that my friends will #IGotMoed any and every time I say something that makes them cry. It’s my superpower and I wield it in my hands like the chaotic good little halfling I am. But that’s still about me and what I do for other people. It’s been too long since I’ve felt I was allowed to say anything that was just for or about me. Right now, I can think of dozen things to write about every other facet of my life. But pull something out of the pensive that’s only me? Is that even legal?
My goal this year are simple. There’s only one. It’s me. And no, I’m not doing this so my kids know that they should practice self care when they get older. It’s not even so that I can take care of them better now. Too many people that qualified my need for refilling by suggesting that it’s the only way I can pour out. That might be true, but it’s utterly beside the point.
It’s also complete bullshit.
I need to refill because I need to refill. I deserve to go after my dreams because they’re mine. Not because I’ve put in enough hours as a mom. And certainly not because I’ve “sacrificed” or whatever as the mom of “complicated” kids. I get to reclaim my time because it’s my time. Just ask everyone’s favorite Auntie Maxine.
So, yes, this will still be about my kids, because they’re a part of me. And I will still talk about my sister because I will never ever get over losing her. But this year is about me going after everything I want with all the reckless abandon I demand of the people I love.
I’m upgrading me. Technical difficulties are to be expected, but the end result will be amazing.
Good night and may the mass x acceleration be with you,